I have been fighting inner demons for what seems like my entire life. Some of them took hold when I was child, while others have been added as an adult. Some days they are easy to beat back and others are a struggle the entire day. They tell me I’m ugly and undesirable. That I am unworthy of love. That I am a failure and my kids are paying for my failures. That happiness is not mine to have in this lifetime. The sad part is I have believed them for so many years. I let them control and lead me through life. Purposefully picking those that would feed them and help them grow. Picking those that in their own suffering tried to unload some of their demons into me, and I took them willingly. I took them because I wanted them to feel better. I wanted to lessen their pain. I wanted them to feel loved. I wanted to beat back their demons.
In time though, I began to hear a voice start to scream at me. Heard her screaming ENOUGH!! Those demons tried their hardest to silence her, but she would not be silenced. She slowly began to beat down one demon at a time that had grown in strength because they heard words that empowered them. She began to whisper in those quiet moments. You are deserving of love. You are deserving of happiness. You are a good mom. You are desirable. With each whisper my demons grew weaker and weaker, until one day the Phoenix broke free and I believed her completely.
I am now leading my packs with determination. I am mending myself mind, body, and spirit. I am rising from the ashes of abuse and pain. I am rising from the ashes of self doubt. I am rising from the ashes and I will be whole again.