Naming the Demons

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Name them, call them out, deprive them their power, is what I have been hearing over and over again for the last few days from my inner spirit. Take them apart and dissect them and prove them wrong. You are so much more than those demons that have kept you scared and locked up within yourself. It is time to take back your power and silence them so that your true self can emerge.

The most powerful of those demons is Unworthy. He loves to whisper in my ear that I am unworthy of happiness. I am unworthy of being truly loved by a man. I am unworthy of peace. I am unworthy of success. I am unworthy. I am unworthy he says over and over again, and he has been there for as long as I can remember. He first showed up as a young child, when my father turned away from me. He was feed throughout the years again and again by my father as I was rejected, until one day I just stopped trying because maybe I was unworthy if my own dad didn’t love me. By the time I was in my teens/early twenties he was fully in charge and had silenced my inner spirit & locked her away.  He made sure I drew men to me that could never give me what I needed. He made sure that most of them would use me for their needs and then put me aside. He made sure that the man I married would feed him by voicing in his own words the same things Unworthy was whispering in my ear. A man who made sure that I knew just how unworthy I was and told me I was nothing without him. He made sure that when I was at my lowest and trying to not only keep my own child alive, but my head above water, that the man who saw supposed to love me would make me feel unworthy by denying me love & compassion when I needed it the most.

Here is what I say to Unworthy. I AM WORTHY!! I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of success. I am worthy of so much more. I am worthy and with her guidance I will never hear your voice again.

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Not Good Enough is another demon who has lived within me for years and has changed his message over time. It started with mundane things like you are not good enough to play sports. You are not good enough to go to the school you want to attend. As I grew so did the power of the demon. I was not good enough to be a part of my brother’s lives for years. I was not a good enough wife. If I only tried harder he wouldn’t be mean. I was not a good enough mother. If I had been better my daughter would not have attempted suicide. I was not a good enough partner. If I had only praised you more, thanked you more, appreciated you more, than you wouldn’t drink and attack me.

The truth is, I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I am a damn good mom (and dad)!! I have raised three amazing kids, who I know will set this world on fire with their own spirits. I have given love to men who hurt me over and over again. I gave to them until I was depleted and then my spirit said quietly, that’s enough. You have given enough of yourself and now it is time to walk away and forgive them. I am good enough to forgive those who have hurt me because I know they have their own demons.

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Not Beautiful is the last of my major demons. He really came into play in my teens and grew in power in adulthood. He grew when I was told I was fat. He grew when the man I loved told me to get in shape so he would still desire me. He grew in power when the man I loved told me he had no desire for me anymore, but he still loved me. He grew in power each time I looked in the mirror and only say what they saw. He grew in power each time I tried on clothes and cried inside because I didn’t like the way I looked.

I am beautiful, because I am beautiful on the inside and outside. I love my belly because it shows that I have given birth to three beautiful children. I love my arms that have given hugs to students who needed to feel loved.  I love my curves and wouldn’t ever want them to go away. I love my eyes and how they change color. I love my lips that have kissed a thousand tears away and given pleasure to others. I am beautiful, because I am becoming physically stronger every day. I am beautiful because I have a good heart and soul. I AM BEAUTIFUL!!

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These demons do not stand a chance against my inner warrior spirit. These demons are losing their power daily. These demons are done. I am in charge. I am worthy. I am enough. I am beautiful.  I am rising from the ashes and the warrior spirit is beside me as I reach for it all.

 

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*I just wanted to add that my father and I know have an amazing relationship. It took work, but he is a huge part of my life and I am forever grateful that we found our way back to each other. I have forgiven my ex husband and we are able to co-parent in our own way.

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