Just say it. Three simple words that truly scare the hell out of me more often than I care to admit. Three words that even what I have to say is a good thing can be hard for me to transfer from what I have in my head to out of my mouth. Why is this such a hard thing for me to do? Is it because to many times I was attacked for what I had to say? Is it because people that said they loved me used words to damage my soul? Is it because my words, even those of love, were often thrown back in my face with a sneer? Is it because I was told my opinion didn’t matter? Is it because on to many occasions when I asked for help or said what I needed to feel safe and loved, I was turned away? Is it fear of my feelings being rejected or mocked? I am sure it is a combination of all those reason and more that keeps me silent, even when the words are screaming inside my head to be spoken. I know how much words can hurt. I also know that words can heal.
So today I choose to be brave and say things that are long overdue to be said, even if I know that people intended to hear them may never hear them. I know that it will be freeing for my spirit to say the words. I know that it will help me heal. I know that it will take the power those words once had over me and rip it to pieces. I know that I am only worthy from this point forward of only hearing words that lift me up and push me forward towards my true self.
To the men who claimed you loved me, but used words to try and destroy me, I say to you that I no longer hear your words. I no longer give value to your words, because I know your own soul is in pain. I no longer dwell on your cruel words, because they are not worth my time. I no longer think about the words you used, but instead choose to focus on the good parts of you that I think even you forget to honor. I no longer believe your words of hate, because I know I am worthy, I am enough, I am beautiful, and I am strong. I say instead to you that I send you love and hope that one day you are able to heal those parts of you that are in so much pain that you feel the need to hurt others to satisfy the demons hunger.
To the people who have judged me based on what they only saw from the outside or from what they heard, I say to you that I forgive you for judging me when you did not my truth. To the ones who mock my choices, I say to you that your skepticism is based on your experiences and I respect that, but you are not the one walking my path so please give me the same respect. To the ones who turned your back on me with silence, sometimes when I needed you most, I say thank you for forcing me to build my strength by realizing that I am capable of overcoming whatever life has thrown at me.
From this point forward I am going to try and be brave and share what I am feeling with those around me on my journey. I will surround myself with people that lift me up and I will tell them thank you for lifting me up when I needed support. I will surround myself with people that show me love in their actions and with their words and I will tell them I love you too. I will surround myself with people who help me grow and I will tell them how much their presence has helped me on my journey. I will surround myself with people who like me are on a journey that includes a belief in living a more positive life, and if they are have a bad day I will tell them why they are worthy of so much more and to keep fighting. I will be brave and I will share my words of love and encouragement with those around me.
I know that my biggest challenge for me to just say it will happen when I decided to open myself up to a relationship again. I know that for me this will be a very fearful experience to open up my heart and to speak from that place that I have built a wall around. I know that I will be scared that my words will be thrown back at me or rejected. I know that I will be worried that what I am saying will not be understood because I just can’t put into words what my heart is feeling. I know that I will have to work past the fear. I know that I will have to trust that the other person. I know that I know that I will have to speak up or I take the chance of missing out. The difference this time is I know my warrior spirit is stronger than ever before. I know that I am listening to my her and she is leading me to a much better place. To a place where my fear is replaced by belief that I am worthy of love. A belief that I am beautiful. A belief that I am strong. I belief that I am beautiful. A belief that I deserve a love that will set the world afire when we are together. A belief that when I speak from the hear that I will be heard. I will be able to just say it.