Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a houseful of kids, at least four I always said. I wanted my kids to grow up with their two parents living in the same house. I wanted my kids to never feel the pain of divorce. I wanted my kids to grow up happy. I wanted to be able to take them on amazing trips. I wanted so much for my kids, and it did not turn out the way I dreamed about as a kid.
I am a single mom. I have not been able to provide them the life I dreamed about, but I have provided them with the best life that I can. Even when I thought I was always doing the best for them it has not always been easy. I have second guessed myself many times about choices that were made that have also altered their lives.
I made a choice to end my marriage, because it was destroying me. My divorce was ugly. My kids paid the price. They had to watch their mother struggle to keep herself together. They had to wait by my door many times as I locked myself in my room so they wouldn’t have to see me break down and cry in fetal position. They were often witness to my anger when I would snap at them because I was so overwhelmed and just couldn’t deal with the even minor things. I had to watch my kids struggle with their emotions during this same time period. I had to watch my kids have tantrums that lasted for what felt like hours as we went into a visitation weekend and came out of one. I had to push my child down into a car seat and buckle her in as she cried for me to take her home. These days were terrible and hard and I felt that I had failed them in every way.
I made the choice to move with my kids back to home to Michigan. To the place where my soul always felt more at peace the minute we crossed the border. This was another huge change for three young kids. We moved back to be closer to family. We moved back to where I felt safe. We moved back to where I always wanted to return. My kids had a happier mom in many ways, but still saw me struggle. My kids stopped having so many tantrums and seemed calmer. My kids loved being near family. My kids seemed happy again.
I made a choice to move in with a man that I thought would be the one to live out my dreams with and help me raise my kids in a loving home. My kids watched instead as I began to lose myself again. My kids watched instead as I struggled to make things work and make him happy. My kids watched me shut myself down when the drinking brought out the demon. My kids once again paid the price. Then I made the choice to leave him because I was done trying to prove I was worthy.
I made a choice to do better by my kids, by working on me and putting me first now. My kids have seen me leave a person because I said I deserved better. My kids have seen me ask for help from those that love us. My kids have seen me start taking care of me through exercise, through treating myself to things that make me feel good, through spending time with my tribes, and through speaking my truth. My kids are good kids and they know they are loved by me. My kids know I would do anything for them, but that I also need to take care of me in order to be happy. My kids know that I can be tough on them, but it’s because I only want them to fly. My kids will begin to start making their own choices soon and I will be there to catch them if they need me to and kick them in the ass when they need that too.
I have made a choice to stop beating myself up about the choices I have made for our lives. I do the best I can. I am working to give them a good life. I am a good mom. I am a great mom. I am super mom.