Am I ready? The answer is yes to most questions. I am ready to let go of the past. I am ready to let my truth out and be the me I have been hiding. I am ready to share my story. I am ready to do the work needed to slay my demons once and for all. I am ready to follow my warrior spirit. I am ready to put me first. But am ready to let my wall down and love again? That is what I just can’t answer. One moment I can say yes I am, but in the next breath I think oh hell no.
Is it loneliness? Sometimes in those moments when I say yes, I wonder is it because I am lonely. The answer is no, I am not lonely. I have some amazing tribes of women who lift me up and give me adult time to laugh with, discuss issues with, and vent to when needed. I have three kids who I have full time and who I have pretty much raised on my own, so I’m not missing that aspect of my life. I am doing things for myself that make me feel strong and confident. I have jobs that I am passionate about that surround me with amazing people. I really like where I am in life right now and I am trusting my warrior spirit on this journey. I know I will have some hard days as things within me shift as I confront and repair parts of me that where controlled by the demons for years. I know I can handle those days alone, because only I know can speak their truth and take the power away from them. So I don’t even think lonely is the word that correctly identifies what I am feeling when I say yes.
Is it fear? This is probably the a big part of the truth behind my no. I have been hurt deeply by men who said they loved me. I have been left alone by a man who said he loved me, to deal with the worst years of my life, as I worried that my daughter would attempt suicide again and this time succeed. I have been verbally and emotionally abused by a man who said he loved me, because he wanted to control me. I have been made to feel like I was mistake, because alcohol allowed his demons to speak. I did not deserve any of that, but I now know this is what I attracted, because I did not believe I was worthy. I ignored the red flags that my warrior spirit was waving, throwing in my face, raising on the highest poles all because at that point the demons were in control. Well, those damn demons are no longer in control and those red flags, that I put in the ground, are firmly in place on a path leading to my heart.
Is is self preservation? I am sure that is also a big part of my no. I have built a wall around my heart in order to protect it over the years. I have built that wall to protect my warrior spirit from harm. I have built that wall for some many reasons and over such a long period of time that I have even forgot where all the bricks came from. Lately I have been tearing down that wall brick by brick. What I notice though is those bricks that were put in place that say love on them are the hardest to remove. Am I purposelessly leaving those bricks in place because it might be safer? That is very possible, but I know that they to have to come down. Will I be able to do it all on my own? I don’t think so. I think it will take a little help to pull them free from the wall. I have made them loose because I am learning to love myself first, but even warriors need some help to win the battle.
I still believe in love. I still believe in those magical moments that are shared between two souls who are meant to be together. I still believe that my soul mate is out there and has been waiting for me to let my warrior goddess take the lead to find him. I still believe in the power of touch between lovers that says so much more than words. I still believe in moments of passion that take your breath away. I still believe in true partnerships that allow your spirits to soar. I still believe in love and this is why in some moments I say yes.
Am I ready? Yes, I am ready. I am ready for a partner were we both feel safe to share our dreams and then pushes each other to go after them. I am ready for a partner that believes that we have a responsibility to take care of others by being examples of love and fighting against the hate. I am ready for a partner in life to travel with and explore this amazing world. I am ready a partner that will be a lover who sets my soul and body on fire even after years. I am ready for a partner who will hug me tight, kiss me softly, run their fingers through my hair, and tell me on those days that are not so easy, that I can do anything I set my mind to because I am a warrior. I am ready for a partner that when I stumble and fall, will lift me up and set me back on my feet when I can keep going and carry me the rest of the way when my legs are tired from kicking ass. I am ready for a partner that will accept my scars, just as I will accept his, because they are a road map of our lives and how we made it to each other. I am ready for a partner that I can laugh with, cry with, and be me with, without having to hide any part of ourselves. I am ready if that person comes into my life, but I will not be searching for him. I am ready for whenever the universe decides the time is right.
Yes, I am ready to love and be loved again.