Darkness

Depression, anxiety, suicide, psychiatrist, counseling, hospitalization, cutting, and medications have been words spoken often when talking about my daughter over the last few years. Guilt, fear, frustration, despair, anger, and helplessness are emotions that have flowed through me over the last few years. Two people occupying the same space and trying to find a way out.

Darkness falls with a phone call from local police telling me they were with my daughter and that she had attempted suicide. In that instance, those emotions flooded into me and took hold for dear life. In that instance, those words became common words to be spoken. In that instance, the path I thought I was on crumbled beneath my feet.

Darkness takes hold and the light is hard to see. As I watched my daughter struggle to even get out of bed and move through her day, I was thrown back to the time in my life when I was the same.  As I watched my daughter struggle to not cut herself, I was thrown back to those dark nights as a teen when I cut to relieve the emotional pain. As I watched my daughter struggle to push back the thoughts of suicide, I was thrown back to the time when I gave into thoughts and tried to take my own life. As I watched my daughter struggle with dealing with the medications, I was thrown back to the times when I wished I had something to help me. As I watched my daughter struggle to reenter her life, I was thrown back to days when I felt nobody wanted me around so I made sure to push them away.

In the darkness, a mother fears for her child. In the darkness, a mother feels guilt and blames herself. In the darkness, a mother feels angry when people question how she is taking care of her child. In the darkness, a mother feels frustration when a father tells the child that she isn’t depressed or anxious. In the darkness, a mother feels despair because she doesn’t know what to do to make her child better. In the darkness, a mother feels anger for the whole damn situation.

A light begins to shine and the mother pulls herself free from the darkness inch by inch. A light begins to shine brighter and the daughter begins to follow. A light gets brighter with each and every day as the mother sees her daughter trying to return to her life. A light flickers at times when the daughter takes two steps backwards. A light keeps pulling the mother forward because she knows that she can best help her child if she in the light. The mother is now fully in the light, but the daughter is still mostly in the darkness.

A mother takes a step back and separates her struggle with depression from her child’s struggle. A mother takes a step back and realizes our paths are more different than similar. A mother takes a step back and decides that her daughter is going to have to find the will to fight back against her own demons. A mother takes a step back and understands that this is not her battle, but her daughters. A mother takes a step back and embraces her own awakening because she knows that this her way to win the final battle with her own demons. A mother takes a step back and puts her faith in the universe that it will help her daughter find her way.

Depression, anxiety, suicide, psychiatrist, counseling, hospitalization, cutting, and medications are just words that are part of my daughters path in this life, but they will not define her life. Guilt, fear, frustration, despair, anger, and helplessness are emotions that have flowed through me in the darkness, but did nothing to heal either the mother or the daughter.  Two people occupying the same space, one has found her way out and is fully in the light, while the other holds on tight to her mother’s hand still trying to break free. Two people bonded by love of a mother and daughter, bonded by fighting our demons, but one has broken free and is waiting to embrace the other when she finally breaks free of the darkness and then they will slam the door and throw away the key together.

2 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. I’m breathless. And loving and rooting for you two, always. Meaningful, brace, and poised to make a difference for others in similar struggles. Much love friend ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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