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Brick Wall

situational-depression

The wall around my heart was built over decades. It was built with tears of frustration from not knowing what I did wrong.   It was built in my own blood to try to stop the emotional pain. It was built in fits of anger to block your words.  It was built with fear to avoid more damage from attacks. It was built to keep in my feelings because so many said they weren’t important.  It was built by my demons who told me I was unworthy so you might as well hide. It has been built by my warrior to protect me and ensure my heart would not shatter into a million pieces.

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The wall has served its purpose for so very long. The wall has blocked so many attacks from people who said they loved me. The wall has protected me from the storms of anger that in the end were not about me.The wall has deflected the punches that were meant to knock me out. The wall has stood strong in the face of the demons who wanted me to stay down. The wall has given my warrior a safe place to regain her strength when needed. The wall has served its purpose and now it is time to start removing those bricks.

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It is time to tear down my wall. It is time to be free of those bricks with their painful memories. It is time stand on top of the smashed bricks and be proud of all I have overcome. It is time to stand in front of the wall, because I know I have the strength to fight back if needed. It is time for the demons to know that I am no longer afraid of them. It is time for the warrior to take on the world. It is time to trust. It is time to let down my guard and maybe, just maybe fall in love with someone who deserves me.  It is time to be free from the confines of my brick wall. It is time.

 

 

 

Setback & Comeback

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball

Everything you around you begins to fall

Things that make you happy get put aside

Behind your mask you begin to hide

Agonizing over how to right the ship

Crying out as the tears begin to drip

Keeping the true pain bottled within

Searching for the answers that will help you begin

 

Clarity comes and the path becomes clear

Once again you must face the fear

Make your way past the pain

Embrace all that your will gain

Breathe in deep

Adjust your stance and take a leap

Catch onto the demon and send him back to the cage

Keep writing your story by turning the page

 

 

 

 

I Must

I must keep growing, because I need to reach the heights my soul desires.

I must keep learning, because I still have so much to learn about me.

I must keep dreaming, because it reminds me of all I can be.

I must keep believing, because I still have much to accomplish.

I must keep fighting, because my demons have won for far to long.

I must keep focusing, because I get lost in the darkness.

I must keep hoping, because ii is sometimes the only thing I hold onto.

I must keep going, because my kids need me to teach them to fly.

I must keep doing, even when giving is seems so much easier.

I must, because it is the only way.

 

My Soul

My soul is tired.

My soul is bruised, from the attacks on the body every day.

My soul is muzzled, by all the things I cannot say.

My soul is overwhelmed, from all the demands made upon me.

My soul is blinded, for I cannot find the path in front of me.

My soul is screaming, but nobody can hear.

My soul is cowering, overwhelmed by the fear.

My soul is crying, for she feels all alone in this fight.

My soul is whispering, for she tries to give comfort in the dark of night.

My soul is hoping, for she wants to heal.

My soul is trying, but is afraid to feel.

My soul is tired.

The Mask

The mask I wear can disguise my pain. The mask I wear can change my appearance. The mask I wear can fool those around me. The mask I wear can help me make it through the day. The mask I wear is not the real me.  The mask lets me hide behind a smile. The mask lets me keep you at bay. The mask I wear lets the demons to view the world. The mask I wear lets me pretend the pain is not real. The mask is an illusion. mask2

I have worn my mask for so long that I sometimes forget my true self. I have worn the mask for so long that it I sometimes forget it is not me. I have worn the mask for so long that it is hard to leave it at home. I have worn the mask for so long that I am afraid to face the world without it. I have worn the mask for so long because it felt safe. I have worn the mask for so long. mask1

Can you see me? Can you see me behind the mask? Can you see the sadness behind the smile? Can you see the worry in the lines of my face? Can you see the exhaustion around my eyes? Can you see really see me?

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I wish I could go without the mask, but the demons are in charge. I wish I could go without the mask, but the pain is so near the surface. I wish I could go without the mask, but I don’t want to burden you. I wish I could go without the mask, but my warrior is chained. I wish I could go without the mask, but I am just not ready to show the world all of me.

The mask will stay with me to hide my pain. The mask will stay with me to keep you at bay. The mask will stay with me to get me through my day. The mask will stay with me until I go to bed each and every day. The mask will stay with me until the warrior is ready to rise again. The mask is an illusion.

The Return

They have returned. They found a way through the cracks. They waited patiently for the warrior to take a break. They have waited quietly for me to get run down. They have waited hungrily for a chance to be fed. They have waited and now they have returned.

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I can hear them whispering those messages I have heard for years. I can hear them telling me I am not good enough. I can hear them laughing as they tell me that I am ugly. I can hear them chanting you are unworthy. I can hear them all the time and I know they have returned.

demonsI need my warrior to wake up. I need my warrior to fight back. I need my warrior to scream. I need my warrior, but only I can set her free. Only I can give her the tools she needs to fight back. Only I can provide the nutrients she needs to get stronger and put the demons back in their cages.

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I am doing what I can to  keep my mask in place. I am doing what I can to give my warrior strength. I am doing what I can to ignore the demon’s words. I am doing what I can to take back control. I am doing the best I can right now.

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I know I am a warrior. I know I am stronger than my demons. I know that I need to face them yet again. I know that I am resilient. I know that I need to do more. I know what I need to do, but I am so tired.

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I will put them back in their cages. I will make them quiet again. I will starve them. I will free the warrior to rise like a phoenix. I will free my warrior to remind me that I am enough, I am worthy, and I am beautiful. I will not let them keep me in the dark when I know how good it feels to be in the light.

 

 

 

Finally

via Daily Prompt: Finally  

Finally, it is the end of the day,

and I can rest from keeping my demons at bay.

Finally, another month  has passed,

and I can rest my warrior who is gassed.

Finally, another a year has ended,

but my soul is still not mended.

Finally, it will be a new day,

and I can find my way.

Finally, a new month will begin,

and my warrior will rise again.

Finally, a new year will be here,

and I know there will be lots to cheer.